50 First Dates: VII

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Setups are weird but in a well- intentioned way. there is a sense of comfort in knowing that when set up, it is done so with care-- a vote of confidence that neither person is a serial killer or you might even hit it off. In other words, they involve an element of trust. So when my friend matt asked if he could introduce me to a man, i obliged regardless of matt + my dating history during a deep dark+ indecisive time of my life when i needed support. But Matt is great in business but can be kind of an asshole in love, which i should have referenced in regards to his matchmaking offer. But i was lonely and when opportunity presents itself, i say carpe diem.

Old habits + too much free time would have led me down a black hole googling prospects but i trusted Matt as middle man+ fussied up on friday night in leather pants, louboutins+ a positive perspective. Even if I was longing for darkness, deep sleep in soft sheets after a 60 hour work week. But i rallied out in the rain in hopes that my date may be the prince charming ive longed for.

That hope was short lived.
Exit my building, look left. + hushed my inner judgment.
but we eat with our eyes, and i lost my appetite.
My setup closer resembled a jockey than a cowboy, holding a golf umbrella twice his size with very small hands -- and possibly my same pant size—which could come in handy —
but there was zero possibility of me ever finding myself pantless in his presence.

Small but lovely, full of life + his love of it. but I like what I like and I like men with bigger hands than my own. One quick glance and I knew I could never picture myself naked next to him. Hard stop.
As the rain poured down and we scurried to our destination, i should have done him a favor and said not today, because in hindsight, i was wasting his time too as i walked, autopilot on, simply thinking about ripping off my leather pants + deep diving into a can of sardines on my couch.

But so it goes + i followed his huge heart’s desire set on a nostalgic new york night in the rain. A man on a mission to court me, with passion about his work, connection, saving lives, and finding love….a man who likes stories, and sweet potatoes, like me. And while it was clear that love would not be found in each other, we did find two bar stools windowside at blue ribbon brasserie. I hastily ordered a mezcal rocks to numb my feelings, or lack thereof, and did my best to be present. The only other option was just to bounce, but energy is everything and i felt adam’s radiating hope over me, grilled trout, fried chicken and life stories.

As the first sips of mezcal began lubricating my angst, i took a deep breath in + let go…physically + mentally, while cozying up cross legged on a bar stool at blue ribbon. Balancing + breathing in 800$ louboutins…with a fried chicken leg to the face, ceremoniously dipped in honey celebrating every juicy, dripping, sweet, salty, hot, crunchy bite. Leg to lips. Sinfully delicious. My personal mantra “messy is sexy” in full effect, cognizant that the crispy fried bird was the only thing nearing my mouth.

Adam graciously paid and gathered his golf umbrella to drop me off and i gave him the tightest hug goodbye, in hopes he finds a woman to love him as he deserves. But that drive to touch, the animal instinct we all possess, to go after what we want, was dormant and cannot be forced. I say so because ive forced so, long time dated a man whose touch made me quiver, body shut down + turned off. And have vowed since to be honest within, no matter how perfect he is on paper or otherwise.
animals eat with eyes first, hands second.
And winner winner chicken dinner was the only thing to be indulged in tonight.
Can chemistry grow? Perhaps.
But not today.

I stopped at a party en route home - ordered an amaro rocks digestif to settle any sense of self pity from hours spent out of bed, then grabbed a banana laffy taffy to fill my failure + cheer my spirit.
Filling.
Not fueling - my body, my time, my life.
See time is precious. And i value mine.
And i’m not looking to collect stories. Im looking to create love.
So when setting up, trust that you are being trusted with time, emotion, and TLC.
And in the spirit of time - particularly as the year ends,
How do you spend yours? Doing what? And with whom? Are you fueling or filling?
Your time. Your life. Choose wisely.

And when presented the choice, always choose the fried chicken.
#workhard #livyoung