power of goodbye


This share is to limit the stories we tell ourselves:
to open our hearts + also protect them from harm,
as love is really a game of risk.
toying with anothers’ emotions is a devilish deed-- resulting in stories and sagas outlasting the natural course of when love affairs begin + end. even worse is trying to convince ourselves that it is a game to win. I don’t believe in mistakes, just lessons -- perhaps you will learn from mine.
Choose to be your first choice, and you will be chosen first.

In terms of the story —
after letting it sit for a bit, i can laugh, but learn because i have done this before. A romance short lived: chased by a man i wasn’t all that interested in—moreso intrigued, then opened my heart after telling myself stories. I love love - courtship, companionship, sharing + caring. But it leaves me wondering what i have not considered within, that i continue attracting unavailable creatures. If i am chased to open others’ hearts, (see post), who is here to care for mine?

A reminder to us all: to keep our hearts open, heads high, mindfully.
No mistakes, just lessons.
This story as a gentle reminder of the power of energy -- Do not seek what is not seeking you, no matter how elegantly it is presented. Find clarity between ego + heart, when it comes at you strong, when you are pursued or pursuing. Because love, while risky-- is meant to fuel hearts, not fill egos. A shared journey - rather than a self prophecy, reiterating the stories we tell ourselves. There is no chase, no win, no goal. It is a forever kind of feeling.  
A feeling which is not present, in this story, in this now.
So i have found the power of goodbye.

An end + a beginning

This ride has been fun. Random outreach. Instant connection. Excitement from the beginning. Thrill of the chase. Learning, touching, sharing, tasting, traveling, experiencing, but your heart is not open, so I must go. Im seeking a man who wants to be mine. A man. To care + take care. To listen and share. To provide comfort and excitement. To be my man. A partner first, lover second, learner third. I think we have the order skewed.I want a man whose flexibility is ever present. Willing + able to bend, not break. In more than just business. Rigid structures built on faulty foundations crumble quickly when there is a small crack. I seek more. The thrill of the chase is not thrilling to me. I want a man who is available to support my endeavors, be my critic + my fan. I want a man who wants me as I want him. an equal partnership. So while I have no answer to this short lived love affair, my solution for now is simply ciao. And thank you for being who you are, even if you may claim to seek more, the power of myth is powerful. Your actions are strong, your conviction is real, you go after what you want. And I dont feel your conviction enough in me. There is power in goodbye. Best wishes, all love. I’ve shared my heart + now i must protect what is mine.

A lesson to us all: Trust your intuition. Do not seek what is not seeking you. To know yourself is to grow yourself: Simply put, I knew it was over when it was over, and i allowed it to carry on two weeks too long. But even before that, sleep was stolen from me the moment i felt my gut keeping me up, my intuition leaving me restless at night, anxiously warning me that this love affair was not right. No harm, too surfaced to form a scar, just a small bruise that will heal in no time, leaving a small memory, in a chapter of my never ending story.

Protect your heart from hurt. But do not fear risking the possibility of love.
**and even with a little bruise, i got some good content. :)
#workhard livyoung.




fuel or fill?

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How do you liv your life? Spend your time?
Filling or being fulfilled?

Are you going thru the motions or making the most of what you have?
Fueling or filling?
connected or disconnected?
When you are connected to you -- your core, your desires, dreams + necessities, your perspective shifts. Your conversations change. Your relationships evolve, beginning with the relationship you have with yourself. it starts with you.

When connected, you are present in choosing to fuel your life instead of fill it. To fuel your body with what feels good instead of filling it with instant gratification of food, or sex or substance or the like. In connection, you fuel your time with work and love rather than fill it with placeholders + distractions to take up space. So-

Do you fuel or do you fill?
Your time. Your body. Your relationships.
Your work - does it fuel you or fill you?

With love: Is it comfortable or compatible? Does it fill space? Or do your relationships make you better? Fuel your soul? Challenge you to think different?
Or is it just physical love? The act of needing to be loved. For fear of being alone? maybe its just sex. And sex can fuel you, fulfill you, physically. But it can also fill - take up space + time, for fear of actual intimacy beyond just getting laid.

With work: Does it just fill time? Time spent pushing papers or fielding orders for something you aren’t passionate about. are you filling time watching the clock, pondering a dream you leave undiscovered? There is no thing wrong with not being passionate about what you do -- but there is concern if a job is tirelessly taking your soul. You can justify that it serves its purpose and provides you with what is needed to afford the life you liv, but match that with a hobby, a passion, something to fuel your soul. Your time is your life. Consider how you spend it.

With food: We’re humans. We love what we shouldn’t, eat what tastes good. treats and booze and make that a super size. But let’s consider digging deeper here.
What feels good - for you, in real time? How does your body respond when you feed it? Does it feel fueled or filled? When do you eat? When you’re hungry or bored or insecure or all of the above? Do you go for the 3rd cocktail because you aren’t working tomorrow or the first beer because you have an hour to kill? A slice of pizza on the go or the 4pm cappuccino or candy sugar rush? Instant gratification is delayed dis-ease. Take a second. Get present in the decisions that you make. Are you fueling your body or filling it?

We seek outward instead of looking within as a natural habit, as a human race. The cookie when we’re sad. The beer when we’re bored. The text to the ex when we’re feeling less than fulfilled. What if we switched our habits?

there is also the potential of finding magic in monontony- shifting our perspective to see what was once filling time as something that begins fueling your life. changing routine, challenging conversation, spicing up the sex, walking a different way to work. small changes make big differences. Your perspective is yours to switch, your choice.

Do you liv or do you exist?
Your work. Your time. Your life.
Your body. Your heart.
Are you fueling or are you filling?
Consider looking within. See what you see.
#workhard #livyoung




l o v e

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Life is exciting. Especially in emotion. With feeling. For someone, or something. A new flame. A new job. A new neighborhood.

In new attraction, a feeling that might become a connection, forever or fleeting.  Because everyone wants to be wanted. The only thing better, is if that wanting is mutual. the only thing real, is the ability to feel -- out of our thoughts, into our bodies, to maybe even open our hearts. Feeling is feeling, in real time. No planning allowed.

I assume we all find it curious when we are sought out, particularly in the game of love. Unabashedly so, i asked what prompted his outreach. he met my vulnerability with his own + answered, “i thought you could open my heart.” briefly blindsided, i considered what a burden to bear -- to open anothers’ heart, considering how challenging it is to open our own.

This led me down a mental maze of memories, relationships past -- emotions and wonder. Our emotions are our responsibility. Even allowing someone the power to “hurt” you is placing responsibility on another. When we are hurt in love, did we enter into those partnerships hurting? If it is true that we date ourselves, when we date an insecure human, we are also insecure. No one can fix you, or make you full. You must be full, first. And once full, the choice to let love in, relies on you.
But, we become hardened as we grow -- and take on the world, as the world takes us on. We resist opening up, scarred by past experience or guarded by fear of judgement or failure.
We carry the weight of our family history into relationships and hide behind our stories of hurt + heartbreak. The intrinsic childlike aura of love, sharing, caring, laughter + tears becomes costumed behind closed off adulthood, fearful of pain.
We are so fearful to feel yet we constantly crave connection.
How disconnected!

Fundamentally -- we are animals, born to procreate, physically inclined to touch + feel. We eat with our eyes. We want what we see. That carnal attraction is chemical, hormonal, and in real time, unplanned. -- to touch + be touched. But physical attraction alone is not enough to sustain long term love.

And while i don’t know much, i can tell you only thru my experience, that If you don’t want to f*ck on the first date, there is only a small chance this will change. So, no matter how great they look in photos, how good they look on paper, or how normal their family seems, or that they treat you like gold-- if you have zero interest in ripping their clothes off when you are STONE COLD SOBER, get out. we are all animals. Sexual chemistry cannot be justified via resume or dating app profile. You just gotta feel it.  

Once the physical checks out, then check under the hood - within + without. To find love is to feel love, for yourself first. fall in love with you: dark + light. good + bad. We all have demons. Embrace those too. It is thru darkness we grow. Self love allows for shared love. And with love, in love -- you open, you blossom, you share. Selfish to be selfless, because what is love without sharing, Everything: Laughter, conversation, success, failure, food, experience, emotion, desire + fear. and what is life without love? Lonely. To be loved, is to love. To be vulnerable is to be open. To be messy, sexy, raw + real. To indulge + devour, physically, mentally + spiritually.

and in love, you grow into or out of — together or apart. If energy pulls you together, you grow in love, and evolve together -- into better versions of yourselvesin a journey, an evolution, a discovery of us and our counterpart thru time + change, stability + unpredictability, trust + vulnerability. With unseen circumstances + unpredictable personalities. I recently heard someone say, “If you want love, be lovely.” Funny, but it resonated. And in all this love lesson, i dont think ive ever been in love. loved? yes. And obsessed, infatuated, yearned, and lost. But when you love your life, you become love. A hopeless romantic, we are the energy we attract + i feel so much love. But there is always more. To get + to give. There is nothing more real, then the ability to feel. Out of our thoughts and into our hearts. In real time. just like life, or a @boxandflow class, “it isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be so hard.” ease over resistance, even in love.

#workhard #livyoung

officially o l i v i a

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Officially olivia. And changing everyday. Same me, but always different. Completely unpredictable. And totally unplanned.

We’re living in this age of infatuation. Outward obsession with appearance, testing ourselves to decipher real from fake. Which makes it even more thrilling to check under the hood, look within, and be open to learn more about you --- everyday.

Because connecting to you, results to deeper to everyone + everything around you.
This weekend thrilled me.
I opened up
And threw up
Was vulnerable in conversation, emotion, action + reaction. Vulnerable in teaching. Present in everything. Present to the point of indulging in 5 drinks, 5 drinks too many, and spending sunday AM, after teaching and during teacher auditions, throwing up in the box + flow bathroom, just after crying out of gratitude + fear, to a familiar stranger, in bed nonetheless.
To know yourself is to grow yourself.
To test your limits, and others. To learn more about you, everyday.
I’ll tell you this much, i’ve never felt so alive. And so nauseous.
I pushed boundaries, tested limits, ruffled feathers, and had mine ruffled.  
What do you do when interesting conversations come up and go down?

Wouldn’t life be boring if we didn’t allow ourselves to feel? Sad + surprise. Hope + hurt. Filled + fueled. Grateful + disappointed. I felt all of it. Within 24 hours. Laughed, cried, indulged, unhinged, messy in everything. All dressed up + all stripped down, and the one thing that stayed the same throughout. Was me. As i am. Same me but always different. With heart. And head. Crazy and composed. Officially olivia. As i am.

integrity

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Consistency creates commitment. Commitment creates change.

Truth be told, the longest relationship you have is with yourself -- If you consistently commit to yourself, your relationship with you changes. Harshest critic or biggest fan? Can you find balance in both? As our own worst enemies, it is unsurprising that our biggest challenge is standing up to ourselves. to face ourselves to free ourselves, show ourselves to be seen
And share ourselves with others, as we are.  

When you stand up for yourself TO yourself and TO others: when you ask the tough questions, answer honestly + stand your ground, you set a precedent. That precedent is a catalyst. the hard part becomes easy.

Thursday was an action packed, fun filled 20 hour day: 20 hours that disguises the most labor intensive part: me standing up for myself,
First to myself, and then to four others,

To protect my heart.
To protect my words.
To lead with integrity.

Box + flow is the vessel thru which i share my story, teachings + lessons:
strength, struggle + celebration. Duality of self, grit + soft. Messy as vulnerable, vulnerable as sexy. Shedding resistance, opening to ease, seeing yourself as you are. This balance, of fight + flow is (the #hardwork) that results in a feeling, #livyoung. My teachings are my words. Twice on thursday, my words were taken + used as one’s own. Without malice, no doubt, but taking intellectual property is the same as taking a bike. If its not yours, don’t take it. Rather, ask permission to borrow - and cite the source. I share my words, just as i share my heart. But, simultaneously must protect what is mine. We are so accustomed to letting things be, we talk ourselves out of protecting what is ours, we make excuses, take fault or blame, in all situations - work, life + love.

 "Shut up insecurity. Go away fear. Olivia, practice what you preach." and i did -- 4x, twice to protect my work and twice to protect my pride. I confronted my fear, spoke my mind, reclaimed my self respect, embraced the 3 seconds of discomfort in honor of me. Simply put, “you stole my shit -- my words, my feelings, -- no matter. same as confronting someone who stole your bike. When someone steals your work, your words, your emotion -- face it. Speak up. That feeling is real. And while it would have been more “comfortable” to let it be, i faced the discomfort to #flowthruthefight.

Why was i afraid to speak honestly, to be vulnerable?
Why are we so accustomed to making excuses when we are wronged?
Excuses delay the inevitable. If i had not said anything, I would still be thinking about it. commit to you. be the change. confidence is a choice -- as is insecurity. standing up to yourself, for yourself, is the hardest part, But once you choose you, Everything hard becomes easier. And if you don’t, Who will?
#workhard #livyoung

there will be time

I find i'm always teetering between moving too fast, worrying im moving too slow, and sometimes just feeling stuck altogether. I race to an unknown finish line, fixate on what didn’t happen and then come back to the constant reminder of ‘forever moving forward’...without getting stuck in past or future, rather being present in the process.
My reminder to be present is often also to slow down, take it all in, see the sights, feel the feels, taste the taste, hear the words, speak with purpose…
Pace > race.
Ever plan what you’re going to say without even letting the person finish speaking? Not listening, just planning.
Or assume an outcome of an interaction before even walking thru the door?
Because how we do anything is how we do everything, for me at least.
My default is to hurry, over plan, over commit -- suffocate even.
Our desire to control is real.

So i come back to my reminder of the power of presence.
Why eat, or rush to fill, if you don’t slow down + taste?
Why enter into a conversation without even listening,
just planning what to say next?
Why workout if you rush each movement, and plan the next,
without feeling your body work in the now, breath by breath.
We plan a wedding before the first date on the “idea of someone,” a job before the entry interview,
or saving the outfit for the “perfect occasion.”


We are so fixated on outcome - past or future.
Back to the present, my reminder to pace > race is real.
i run slower, eat to taste, date to love, sweat to feel, talk to listen, sleep to refuel.
I am here, now.
But as much as i write this for me, i also pose the question unto you.
I'm asking you to look within at your patterns, habits, excuses and tendencies.
Because if don’t ask, you won’t know.

I see it in my class at box + flow,
People rushing into the next pose,
Or giving up before its over
Or waiting for permission to start,
Or focused on the clock for all of it to end,
We are so busy planning what is next
That we miss the best part
The juicy center. The last bite. The punch line. EVEN our intuition giving us all of the answers we seek...
Because we are so busy focusing on everything else, except the NOW,
but now is all we have.
Pace > race. Present in everything.
Mumford & Sons said it best: "There will be time."

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