self reflection sunday
Lately I feel surrounded by anger. Not my own, but energy suckers that aim to pull others down. I wont succumb. A long time ago I walked away from negativity and opened up to love. My belief in the goodness of people came in tandem with the belief in myself. Newfound confidence filled me as I turned my back on insecurity, comparison + judgment. Time is precious + I have no time, space, energy or interest in negativity or surrounding myself with people who do.
In the closing weeks of 2017, I find myself reflecting on year one of business, and one year of my truly independent self, with no "job" to hide behind or boyfriend to define myself thru. I feel strong in my stature but light on my feet. I feel grounded but so ready to soar. I feel ease, which is ironic really, considering this week brought transitions in my team + discomfort poking at me from all angles.
One interaction in particular had me in a funk for 24 hours until a dance party at Tom + Jerry’s surrounded by taxidermy, big hugs, loud music + Bulleit bourbon brought me back to equilibrium. My integrity was questioned, my character was degraded + my spirit dismissed. In this brief encounter, venom permeated 55 Bond Street as hissing + dissing filled the space I’ve put so much love in, to build. I have spent the better part of 30.5 years building my reputation, leading with love + focusing on how I can contribute to the world, but reality is, I can’t win them all.
I am intense with a strong personality, strong opinions, + strong beliefs. As such, I evoke strong reactions quite quickly. People either love me or hate me, there is rarely middle ground+ I am ok with that. I am me. I learn every day. I observe peoples actions + inactions. I learn thru my own experiences, by listening + viewing others. Someone once told me “there are no mistakes, just lessons.” I collect lessons.
As I sat + stared hate in the face, I internally repeated, “take the high road, take the high road, take the high road.” And it was challenging. However, I’ve realized that how people act + react, is most often a reflection of themselves + how they’re coping with their own insecurities.
But my newfound role as “boss” has me feeling isolated in the sense that I know I cant trust as I have in the past, and be vulnerable as I want so badly to be. I have to protect myself, my business, my reputation + my heart. And simultaneously, still be me. This is especially hard because I wear my heart on my sleeve, I speak only when I have something to say, otherwise I say nothing. I choose my words wisely, listen closely + remember everything. It is a give + take, a push and pull and something I am just learning.
And as the year comes to a close, I continue to aim to inspire, to open my heart, love to love + find true love outside of work, to continue to connect to my friends, family, team, teachers and students. Mostly, I hope to continue to connect to myself, to live my dreams in life, work + love as I keep growing into me, with gratitude, into 2018.