to love, learn + let go.

The end of anything is usually sad. A good book. Summer. A thrilling conversation with a stranger on a short train ride. A relationship that no longer feels good. And while endings are sad, they also lead into the happiness of new beginnings.

I often ask myself (and you in @boxandflow class), if you can stay, stay in the stillness, stay thru tough times + fight thru the fire to the water. because in the end, the only way out is thru. But how long should you stay?  When do you leave discomfort? When do you end the inevitable?

To that, I have no answer. But id say it’s over when you know it no longer feels good. When there is hurt, or pain that doesn’t seem to get better. When the love is off balance, and one person is giving more + one person is just getting so much less. I’d say it’s over when it no longer feels easy, when there is more fight then fun.

I have been in enough relationships to have learned from mistakes, big + small. Most recently, tables on me were turned. In the past, I have always been the one giving, endlessly: gifts, affection, emotion, time, energy, love. To be with someone who reciprocates, is a gift. I was given the gift of someone’s love. Real love. After spending time in relationships where I always felt like I was the only one giving, I finally found someone who wanted to give to me in return. But it still didn't feel right.

I asked the universe for him. he appeared. but I wasn’t ready to open my heart. I’m so used to fighting for affection, it was like I didn’t know what to do when it was easy. But shouldn’t I like easy? Yes, I should. And one day I will. Maybe it will be some day soon.

Preaching balance is my work, and finding balance is my focus. But balance is tough when you’re starting a new business. And letting go is my biggest challenge. I couldn’t find the balance between love + work, work + play, strong + soft. Or I chose not to find the balance. And at some point “work” also becomes an excuse. We choose how we want to spend our time. Those choices are a reflection of what we want + what is important.

So, i was given a gift + then given a choice to open my heart. I tried. but we were dancing to different music and couldn’t find the same rhythm. For me it was all fight. The flow in our love was one sided for too long. He wanted in when I wanted out and vice versa. It got to a point where I was hurting him. And in this life, you get what you give. I can’t live with the guilt of hurting someone else. Especially someone who deserves the most love.

So with a heavy heart, we both move on.  I cherish our time spent together, even when it didn’t feel easy, when I wouldn't let it. I wouldn’t come undone. I wouldn’t open my heart + get messy. I wouldn’t let him in. because I’m guarded? Maybe. 

I hope one day I will find that power. The power to let someone in. To love + be loved. Because I believe in love. Real love. And I know I will find it. If I let it find me. No mistakes, just lessons. I'm learning to let go. day by day i #flowthruthefight.

#workhard #livyoung