to be + to breathe.
August 15, 2017
**I’ve been sitting on this post for a month or more, trying to find the words to express. But I felt stuck, at work, in life, in love. So every time I've come back to it, I sit down, then walk away. Avoiding my emotions? Perhaps. Well here goes nothing...
I’m quite vocal and rarely hold back. One of my many mottos is ‘I say what I mean + mean what I say, otherwise I say nothing at all. But as of late, I feel like I can’t say anything. They say that if you’re living in the past you’re depressed + if you’re worried about the future your anxious. So while I go by Liv, you can call me anxious for short. I lose sleep because I’m up worrying.
I’m worried about failing my team, my students, my clients, my parents, my mentors, my friends, myself. I’m worried about not moving forward fast enough, or not moving forward at all. I'm worried about failure. And I will forever worry about box + flow copycats. (bags + flow) HAHA. So while they say imitation is the highest form of flattery, it’s SO easy to copy. But you know what’s even easier? Authenticity.
These days, like most, sun up to sun down, im always moving. Yet even with constant movement, I often feel like im alone on an island, at 55 bond street, trying to change the world, one punch at a time, one person at a time, one breath at a time...Yet I cant breathe.
And when I get back to the simplicity of my breath, to the presence of the inhale + exhale, it is usually only one moment before my mind starts spinning:
Payroll. Desk hours. Schedule. Dress for brother wedding. Airline ticket. Dinner reservation. Sign contract. Order retail. Hire manager. Sleep. Make playlist. Pay rent. Update website. Social media. NYU event. Michelob partnership. Breathe. Consultancy conference call. Complete budget. Call grandma. Get a manicure. Write the recipe. Deposit check. Clean towels? Journal. Onboard new teacher. Execute NDA...
How ironic it is to be lonely, when I own a people-focused business? Although im surrounded by an ever growing client list, robust team, loving family, proud friends, + supportive mentors, I still find angst. How can I keep teachers + students happy? How can I sleep without obsessing over every detail? All of this anxiety is exhausting. But from my research, it is common among entrepreneurs.
Being sole owner + investor is freeing but also stressful. No one will ever care as much as I do, a blessing + a curse. But I wont let the anxiety slow me down, even if it is part of my DNA. My dad is a first generation entrepreneur, whose worked since age 10 and hasn’t slept since. So, if genetics + upbringing lay the groundwork, then experience shapes us from there. As such, it is my job to rework patterns that are neurologically ingrained in me.
I will be open, understanding and trustworthy, (in work + in love) even if I get hurt in the process. Every scar comes with a memory + a lesson. I will continue to lead with my heart, although it potentially might result in an employee taking advantage, an unsatisfied customer, a disappointed mentor or an unpredictable outcome. I will just simplify along the way, using my breath + best judgement.
And thru all of this angst and fear and unknown, most would have a cocktail, or four. Others would take a Xanax. Me? I take box + flow. And with every punch, I let go, of each fear + worry I hold on to. Does it come back? Sure. But for the moment, just one moment. It gives me confidence, clarity and freedom, To be + And to breathe.
I #flowthruthefight + I urge you to take a risk. Take a class. Who knows, you might find yourself feeling a little more free. If only for 55 minutes, like me.