the desire to give up
lately i have this desire to give up.
everything i start, i look for the quickest way out. a run, a yoga class, a conversation, a trip, my business. this wouldn't be of issue if I wasn't me - i work hard + livyoung. struggle defines me. celebration fulfills me. but not recently. its like im looking for the emergency exit, before i even enter. time to check under the hood. to ask myself the tough questions. to check in + check up. seeking instant gratification comes easy but instant gratification delays dis- ease. im reaching out to old counsel, grabbing a beer, hitting the candy store, scrolling on dating apps, online shopping, phoning a friend. for what?
i know the answers. but im feeling disconnected. i yearn to create, to be challenged, to inspire + be inspired. my desire to change the world, to impact society, to contribute -- feels flat. but asking for advice doesn't serve me. ive done that. ive been there. and everyone is your friend, with limitless advice, and all of the reasoning --- until they send you a bill. all the bills. stacks on stacks of money owed contribute to hours of hours awake. sleepless nights + endless to-dos. but i like work. it fuels me. effort inspires me. doing does me good. so what is this desire to quit? to give up? to throw in the towel? to hideaway, watch fauda + forget my mission?
i can't. i won't. not me. i must reconfigure. re-inspire. re-committ.
i remind myself to seek within. there is no where to run. no need to hide. i need to face myself.
what i want. who i am. why im here. im on a mission to create change. thru self. from self. i must reconnect to me -- i must practice what i preach. i set out to open a studio. to teach a class with a mission in mind. my classes are full. my team is getting stronger. i finally have a foundation of like-minded humans who want to build with me. but i get bored easily. my lists just keep getting longer. i always seek more: a brand! a book, content, beer, burger, apparel line: impact. BALANCE! i need balance. and self love. i need to give what im selling. because lately im not. im not sleeping. i dont feel sexy. or satisfied. or successful. i just feel, numb. but i am unafraid of failure. there is no dream too big. there is no mountain too high.
so back to my note to self --- olivia, there is power in process, in practice, in presence in patience. rome wasn't built in a day. it takes hard w ork to livyoung. keep on keeping on. do not give up. youve got this. anything is possible - if you believe in yourself.
and i know - because there have been many times, when i didnt belive in myself, at all.
but now i know better. everything i need is inside.