taxi cab confession
We work a lot. Physically, mentally, spiritually. My brain feels like its always working — even as I lay down to sleep, my head begins writing a novel. so when i make time, to take time, it is my time. I always say, “it isn’t about having the most, it’s about making the most of what you have.”
No one has “enough” time, so, i value mine and yours -- in everything i do: working, dating, eating, running, sleeping, teaching: If im with you, i want to be with you - hear you, see you, speak to you. If im running, i do so with purpose, paced or raced, distance dictated by my time available. Dating the same, when friends set me up, i trust they know i’m not looking for entertainment, free drinks, or funny stories, im craving connection. A recent set up left me unsettled, (dating story to follow) and i awoke the following morning full of resistance. These days, anger is not a common emotion, and when i’m feeling some type of way, I choose to seek freedom from negativity, to #flowthruthefight, to let it go. But i was angry.
Sweat therapy is my remedy, sneakers on, some shadowboxing to punch it out, a little dance to shake it off, and some flow to let it go + all good, for the most part. Twenty minute window to shower, check playlist, and hop a cab to teach. Rushing + not present, i scrolled thru email en route, only to pop my head up and notice the driver took a wrong turn, to a dead end, with 4 minutes to get to my sold out studio.
Panic set in as i anxiously pleaded with him to go faster, projecting my anxiety on him,
requesting he rush, to make up for my failure to leave a few minutes earlier,
and make up for his minor mistake + my lack of attention.
A moment of silence ensued, where he did not shout at or reprimand me.
He just began
Loud sobs echoed thru his four doors as we wrapped around washington square park,
bowing his head as i stared confused into the rear view window. I thought he was laughing, but his wailing got louder. I induced a stranger to exhibit an emotional breakdown, in the back of a cab, before @boxandflow. I made this man cry.
I froze. One street closure became two. Our time together even further extended.
‘Sir, i didn’t mean to make you upset, i’m just trying to get to work.’ there are people waiting for me and i am late.’ Thru tears he explained, “i am human. I do my best.” My heart dropped. I am too.
I felt his feeling. I feel that way so often, as i aim to do my best, and be my best, while just being me. Connection.
There was nothing for me to say, or fix or do.
I just started to cry. With him.
We cried together. Connected as humans, thru vulnerability, in the most intimate way possible, crying, instinctual emotion, just as babies do, to express themselves as they enter the world.
I saw him. He saw me. Two people from worlds apart just attempting their best,
to be something for others, in this crazy game called life.
As we pulled up to my studio, we prayed for each other, forgave each other.
And i shut the door behind me feeling so grateful + with so much love for a stranger who showed me his heart. My resistance released, shoulders rolled back, heart wide open. Connection.
I lept into class, one minute late, greeted by a heartfelt hug, warm smiles, and a group of humans signed up on Saturday morning to feel something, open up + let go, not for me, but with me, to #flowthruthefight. Taking my taxi ride with me + the reminder that connection is possible when we allow ourselves to feel.
But how can we be open when we’re so accustomed to being closed off + shut in? We turn on the news and are instilled with fear. We lock our doors and stay in our circles. We live in apartments, share walls with neighbors, and are unwelcome guests to their arguments + celebrations, smell what they’re cooking for dinner yet only exchange courtesy hellos in hallways. Why is it that when we crave Chinese food we call yet when we crave connection, we are so afraid to feel?
What will it take for us to be willing to show our hearts, our true selves thru our guarded exteriors?
Yesterday, all it took for me was a time crunch, a wrong turn, and a beautiful human whose name i don’t know, to show his heart and share his humanity. In less than ten minutes, anger turned to love, hurt turned to hope. And as humans, I saw him, he saw me.
We saw each other, Thru teary eyes + open hearts,
We cried together.